How do you love someone who has hurt you?

Can you truly and without prejudice forgive? Maybe.

With my family I share a very close relationship same as with my friends; we're there for each other, stand by each other and support each other in anything we decide to do. Often, when things are down there is always someone to count on, to lift you up, to protect and defend you. There is no need to tell you therefore that here life is great, comfortable and secure.

Professionally it's the same, everything is good and I can sense there is much better to come. It's like when it relates to these things I am so relaxed and secured in knowing that going to school for so many years and staying on the right paths so to speak has paid off. There were so many times that it was easy to just give up and do the easy stuff which wasn't always legal.

It would be great to end here but as I said there is another story and one that is a lot less pleasing.

It started in a place where problems often occur, where alliances are formed and signals get crossed (high school). In this environment two unlikely souls came together; a quiet, intelligent and beautiful young woman and the good looking, bright enough, confident athlete. The relationship was envied by most from the start. In time, if nurtured, this rough diamond could have been the best relationship in the world but as you guessed the craftiness (more aptly deceitfulness) of the few was too much.

It began to be said that my heart was not with her - given the fact that before we met I was somewhat of the ladies man and had developed the reputation of one of the "cool" guys on campus.

The fact of the matter is that I had always been a person of low self esteem, never bright enough to be at the top of the class and never the first guy to be picked by the girls. But then sports entered my life and with it came popularity and respect from everyone including teachers! Soon enough the girls were coming around and I did what was expected of a young man during those days with the status I had but knowing fully well it was not who I wanted to be.

Secretly instead of reading Playboy or playing video games, I was reading Tom Clancy, V.S. Naipaul, Derek Walcott, History Texts, Chaucer and Shakespeare but played the game because the popularity was my blanket it shielded me from rejection and what was felt as under achievement.

Then I met her. She was attending the same school all the while but I was so caught up in all that was going on that when I first saw her I asked my cousin (who was going to the same school as well) if she was a new girl. It was so amazing that someone so simple and beautiful could have gone unnoticed, she was perfect for me. Tejay (not her real name), I found out was an aspiring lawyer who loved to read, take long walks and chat about life, the movies, music and books. We could talk for hours and never run out of things to talk about.

For eleven (11) months it was a dream, exams were coming up and we spent many nights studying and building a strong relationship. Then one day we shared something that to this day was the best gift I was ever given. It was as if we were closer, more connected; we were simply in love and it showed.

Then it started. There was the annual athletics competition and everyone in school was pumped because we were the defending champions and we were boasting one of the strongest teams we had in a number of years. To be on track, the school team decided to train together after school everyday leading up to the games. Some days Tejay would come and look at practice it was better when she was there.

One day just before the sports day I saw here sulking in class and I asked what was wrong. There was a rumor that was going around saying that I was having a relationship with one of the girls on the team because I found her more exciting and that she was my type of girl. I assured Tejay this was not so and we were good. We defended our crown at the championships in dramatic fashion and life was great.

Then there was another rumor that I was seen in the local Popeye's with my ex-girlfriend and we looked happily in love, cuddling and kissing when in fact I was nowhere close to that place.

Again, I was forced to plead and defend myself against untruths.

But then it came to me. Persons began to say that Teejay was telling her friends that she didn't see a future with me. I was too brash, too full of testosterone for her laid back sophisticated life.

Then the fact that I came into the relationship with baggage made it a lot worse. In time I refused to continue defending myself and slipped back into the life that provided me with comfort. Our relationship eventually ended but we remain friends to this day, very close friends in fact.

My state of weakness and complete indecision made me lose the woman I love. To this day I shed tears and pray that we can live the life we were supposed to.

As friends we were able to iron out so many issues and although it has not been said; there still seems to be a very strong connection.

However, over the years she has moved on and now there is another in my life. We respect and care for the ones in our lives now. Marriage may very well be on the cards soon but everyday I keep wondering what if? What if there is such a thing as a soul mate? What if here in the Caribbean a man can find love like we are shown in the movies? What if…?

The most difficult thing is that I cannot find a logical answer to what I am confronted with; for the first time in my life I feel so lost. I don't want to hurt the girl in my life now but I fear that I maybe making the biggest mistake in my young life.

This is a true story.

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